Friday, 2 September 2011

Could sleeping too much be linked with seizures?

I'll start off by saying that I like my sleep... and could sleep through anything.  Recently I've started to question this. Has sleeping all the time led to switching and another part of me taking over and they've got up and done what they wanted and got back into bed?  With this excessive sleeping, when I actually do wake up I don't feel refreshed, I just feel more tired. Could sleeping too much be a sign of chronic fatigue syndrome...  I don't believe this is the case for me.

A few years ago I had a nervous breakdown and was admitted into my local hospital in the mental health unit and upto a year and a half following this, I was re-admitted on several occassions .  And now I am unable to work because of my mental health problems. After my breakdown I have spent the majority of my time sleeping day and night, which isn't good for me, i know.

I have complained to my pysch, community psych nurse (cpn) and my doctor.  My psyc and my cpn have made notes about this but nothing has being suggested for me.  My doctor gave me some beta blockers for anxiety and this has worked to calm me down.  Even though I suffer from depression I feel that depression wouldn't have me sleeping excessively! would it?

Another thing that I've noticed is that at times when a part's have told me something that I wasn't aware of.... this leads to literally feeling as though everything in my environment slows down and I feel my physical frame/my body falling.... This happens to me regulary throughout the day and evenings.  I fall and lay there, then go away somewhere in my head and when I come back, I can only move my eyes but the rest of my body is paralysed and I can stay like this for upto 10-15 minutes.

This happened when I was at home alone with my seven year old son.  I felt myself going and I called out to him to ring is daddy at work and tell him that mummy can't move her body.  I knew that my husband would know what to do.  The next thing I know is that I'm layed out in an ambulance with a woman trying to get me to talk. I try to speak but nothing happens, very scary.

Once I'm at the hospital and after several hours more or less the entire day and evening is spent there, with my husband and son by my side. Every so often I'd get prodded and tested and all the while waiting to be seen by a consultant.  I am finally released home and told that they would contact my doctor and I would get an outpatient appointment to get a ct/cat scan.

I have being doing my own research about falling and other symptoms that I've been experiencing and it sounds like I could be experiencing something called dissociatiive seizures.  I'm planning to discuss this with everyone again to see if I could be any closer to finding out what this it!  I'm fed up and I just want to know what I've got, because maybe I could help myself some way!  At the moment I feel like I'm not being believed by the professionals and maybe they believe I'm a making it sound worse than it is or something.  Its not like I've had these seizures if they are that out of the blue, here and there.... This has being an ongoing thing over several months now.  I am actually scared of leaving my house because it might happen again when i'm out and about shopping....

I do believe and feel that my excessive sleeping and possible dissociative seizures could be linked in a way...

I'm a classical yo-yo dieter

I'm a classical yo-yo dieter... My weight fluctuates as often as I switch.  To give you a brief background about myself.  I was sexually, physically, emotionally abused in various situations and sometimes in a controlled groups of adults within the religious sector repetitively from an early age until I was 14 or 15 years old, I can't remember the exact age.  I remember chunks of memories within this time but there are also chunks of memories that are blank. I re-experience these blank memories through flashbacks, body memories and physical signs like rashes that are scattered around my body.  Throughout this time my outward appearance was a skinny girl then a skinny teenager.

I remember when I was around 6 or 7 years old, I told myself that if I tried and ate more I would become safer.  I really believed that if I was physically fatter all the abuse would stop!  It worked and I did gain a lot of weight and I started to feel that I was slowly disappearing or even fading away, almost becoming invisible!  The adults didn't seem too interested in me as before.

I'm now an adult myself and have a family that I care for and adore.  I've tried to instill in them solid morals and beliefs that are so more far removed from my own upbringing.  The main thing that I stand by in both my children is self acceptance.  I can sometimes sense a part of me that says practice what you preach.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to find the true essence of me, like a birthday game, if I'm brave enough I'd love to unwrap each layer until there's no layers left, just me!  I'm not saying that I want to get rid of any of my parts, and I know that deep down this would not happen, I'll just be me rather than being fragmented!  I think that my T/therapist would be amazed that I agree with her, that my parts/alters are all of me!

Sorry getting back to my post title and my yo-yo dieting.  My yo-yo dieting is a way of me hiding away from those adults or hiding away from everyone around me, so I can't get hurt or abused again.  Now that my physical layers of weight has being shed. I feel lighter, healthier, my head feels less cluttered and I'm writing more in my journal... which is a good start.

My next step would be to carry on working through my emotional issues, as you've probably noticed... I'm a bit controlling and a bit of a perfectionist... you know the one's that just want things just so!!!  I guess Rome wasn't built in a day!

One last thing, an incident occurred today... I was walking towards my bank to check my balance and suddenly I heard a beep and a wolf whistle from a passing by teenagers in one of those tinted windows/pimped out cars done badly!!!  I'm gonna assume that most women would be flattered but I was shocked and gave a kind of half smile.... then a niggling feeling swept me... all of a sudden I was scared...  I don't want to settle for half bests of being unhealthy and not making the most of my life.

I'm gonna leave you with my fav track by fullcrate, she was fly

Thursday, 1 September 2011

This is my first blog post

I was inspired to write this post by and both of these bloggers have indirectly/directly influenced me and I'd like to take this time to thank them!! After reading some of their posts and commenting I have decided to become a blogger myself....   I realised that I needed to make a start... not just with my own handwritten journo... however my journalling has become difficult because parts of me are not with the plan so to speak, they don't want to input on my journo so I go through cycles of loosing it (journalling) and rediscovering it months later! V annoying and I've become sick of writing all my sudden realisations on bits of paper and the cycle starts all over again...  This way I can keep track of myself.  I've also got to add that I will not be going into details of the sexual, physical, emotional or ritual abuse that I have encountered because this will most likely re-trigger myself and other bloggers/readers that may be reading this blog, this way it'll keep us all safe! I will not list the names of my parts/alters as this is not what I intend to discuss, their names, ages, preferences are for their and my knowledge only and this is what they have chosen! I will discuss various issues that I have encountered and various subjects that I find interesting.