I'm a classical yo-yo dieter... My weight fluctuates as often as I switch. To give you a brief background about myself. I was sexually, physically, emotionally abused in various situations and sometimes in a controlled groups of adults within the religious sector repetitively from an early age until I was 14 or 15 years old, I can't remember the exact age. I remember chunks of memories within this time but there are also chunks of memories that are blank. I re-experience these blank memories through flashbacks, body memories and physical signs like rashes that are scattered around my body. Throughout this time my outward appearance was a skinny girl then a skinny teenager.
I remember when I was around 6 or 7 years old, I told myself that if I tried and ate more I would become safer. I really believed that if I was physically fatter all the abuse would stop! It worked and I did gain a lot of weight and I started to feel that I was slowly disappearing or even fading away, almost becoming invisible! The adults didn't seem too interested in me as before.
I'm now an adult myself and have a family that I care for and adore. I've tried to instill in them solid morals and beliefs that are so more far removed from my own upbringing. The main thing that I stand by in both my children is self acceptance. I can sometimes sense a part of me that says practice what you preach.... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to find the true essence of me, like a birthday game, if I'm brave enough I'd love to unwrap each layer until there's no layers left, just me! I'm not saying that I want to get rid of any of my parts, and I know that deep down this would not happen, I'll just be me rather than being fragmented! I think that my T/therapist would be amazed that I agree with her, that my parts/alters are all of me!
Sorry getting back to my post title and my yo-yo dieting. My yo-yo dieting is a way of me hiding away from those adults or hiding away from everyone around me, so I can't get hurt or abused again. Now that my physical layers of weight has being shed. I feel lighter, healthier, my head feels less cluttered and I'm writing more in my journal... which is a good start.
My next step would be to carry on working through my emotional issues, as you've probably noticed... I'm a bit controlling and a bit of a perfectionist... you know the one's that just want things just so!!! I guess Rome wasn't built in a day!
One last thing, an incident occurred today... I was walking towards my bank to check my balance and suddenly I heard a beep and a wolf whistle from a passing by teenagers in one of those tinted windows/pimped out cars done badly!!! I'm gonna assume that most women would be flattered but I was shocked and gave a kind of half smile.... then a niggling feeling swept me... all of a sudden I was scared... I don't want to settle for half bests of being unhealthy and not making the most of my life.
I'm gonna leave you with my fav track by fullcrate, she was fly
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